The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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