just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize