i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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