cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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