At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
