all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
