I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
