wrigley field is MILF paradise
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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