I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
