she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
