i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize