that's an acceptable place to lick
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
