I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
