Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
