The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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