I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
