This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
