I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize