I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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