This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
