The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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