never play flip cup with pint glasses
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
