I am midnight drunk by noon
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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