Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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