remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
