I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
