so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
