I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
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