be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How does it feel to date your dad?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
