So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
