I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
