What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
