This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
