Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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