Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
