I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
