I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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