I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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