So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
