just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
