He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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