Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
