I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
