He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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