plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
