Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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