When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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