my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
