she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
