Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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