Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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