You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
