dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
