...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
