who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
